Silly Songs with Snape: I love my Nose!
by Phantasia
Summary: Snape has an evaluation with Professor Weasley. A psychological evaluation.


*Music plays happily in the background. As usual*  
  
{Ron Weasley, Narrator} And now its time for Silly Songs with Snape. The part of the story where Snape comes out and sings… a silly song. One day while talking with Professor Ron *I'm a professor?! Nooooo!!!!*, Snape confronts one of his deepest fears…  
  
*Sing to the "I Love my Lips" tune*  
  
{Severus Snape} If my nose ever left my face, said "I want out of this place!" That'd be too bad. I'd be so sad!  
  
{Ron} I see. That'd be too bad? You'd be so sad?  
  
{Snape} That'd be too bad.  
  
{Ron} Alrighty!  
  
{Snape} If my nose said "Adios! I don't like you, I think you're gross!" That'd be too bad. I might get mad.  
  
{Ron} Hmm… That'd be too bad? You might get mad?  
  
{Snape} That'd be too bad.  
  
{Ron} Fascinating!  
  
{Snape} If my nose moved far from me, left a mess and took my teeth, that'd be too bad. I'd call my dad.  
  
{Ron} Oh dear! That'd be too bad? You'd call your dad?  
  
{Snape} That'd be too bad.  
  
{Ron} HOLD IT! Did you say your father? Fascinating! So what your saying is if your nose left you…  
  
{Snape} That'd be too bad. I'd be so sad. I might get mad. I'd call my dad. That'd be too bad…  
  
{Ron} That'd be too bad?  
  
{Snape} That'd be too bad.  
  
{Ron} Why?  
  
{Snape} 'Cause I love my nose! Sniffety sniff sniff, sniffety sniff. Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniffety sniff. Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff sniff, snifeety sniff sniff sniff. *Inhale….  
  
Slowly….exhale….slowly* Sniffety sniffety, sniff, sniffety sniff!  
  
{Ron} Oh my! This is more serious than I thought. Anyone who goes through the entire section of sniffing must have severe psychological problems. That goes for the writer, too *looks pointedly at Phantasia who is being carried away by men in white.*  
  
{Snape} What did you say?  
  
{Ron} Nothing. Snape, what do you see here?  
  
{Snape} That's Professor Snape to you!  
  
{Ron} Whatever. So what do you see?  
  
{Snape} Umm… That looks like a nose.  
  
{Ron} What about this?  
  
{Snape} It's a nose!  
  
{Ron} And this?  
  
{Snape} It's a nose, It's a nose, It's a nose, Nose NOSE! It's a nose, It's a nose, It's a nose, nose, nose. It's a nose, It's a nose, It's a nose Nose NOSE! NOSE…. Nose nose nose! Actually, one looked like an old girlfriend, but it looked more like a nose.  
  
{Ron} Snape -Sorry- Professor Snape, tell me about your childhood.  
  
{Snape} When I was just two years old, I left my nose out in the cold and it turned blue. What could I do?  
  
{Ron} Oh dear! It turned blue? What could you do?  
  
{Snape} Oh it turned blue.  
  
{Ron} I see.  
  
{Snape} On the day I got my wand, I kissed a frog out in a pond. It had a beard, and it felt weird.  
  
{Ron} What what?! It had a beard? Of course it felt weird!  
  
{Snape} It had a beard.  
  
{Ron} Eeewwww! Why were you kissing it in the first place?  
  
{Snape} Shut up, stupid boy!  
  
*Ron grumbles. He notices that he does that a lot in Snape's presence.*  
  
*Snape continues*  
  
{Snape} Ten days after I turned eight, I got my nose stuck in a gate. My friends all laughed, and I just stood there while James, Remus, Sirius, and Peter pointed and laughed until the fire department came and broke the lock with the alohomora spell and I had to spend the next six weeks in nose rehab with this kid named Lucius who had a hex put on him right on the nose and we couldn't even talk to each other until the fifth week cause both of our noses were so swollen, and when we did start speaking, he only grumbled because he didn't want to talk to me, so I tried to teach him Polish, but I only know one word in Polish and it means lip. Oosta!  
  
{Ron} Umm… Your friends all laughed… Oosta! How do you spell that?  
  
{Snape} I don't know.  
  
{Ron} Hmm… Well, at least we know why you have such a crooked nose. That nose rehab place didn't do a very good job fixing it. I certainly hope you didn't pay them.  
  
{Snape} My nose has always looked like this.  
  
*Ron turns beat red and clears his throat.*  
  
{Ron} Well… So what your saying is that when you were young…  
  
{Snape} It turned blue. What could I do? It had a beard and it felt weird. My friends all laughed… Oosta!  
  
{Ron} I'm confused.  
  
{Snape} I love my nose! Sniffety sniff sniff, sniffety sniff. Sniff sniff sniff sniff sniffety sniff. Sniff sniff--  
  
{Ron} Why?  
  
*Snape looks stunned and upset that he was interrupted from his song.*  
  
{Snape} What?  
  
{Ron} Why do you love your nose? I mean, it's certainly nothing to be proud of. It's all crooked and hooked. I would go to one of the Muggle plastic surgeons. I hear they can do wonderful things.  
  
*Snape grinds his teeth. His fingers playing with his wand. He starts shooting hexes at Ron, then pins him to a wall with a curse until he finishes his little song. Poor Ron is ready to scream from hearing all those sniffs, and desperately tries to run away.*  
  
{Ron, Narrator} This has been Silly Songs with Snape. Tune in next time to hear Snape say…  
  
{Snape} Have I ever told you how I feel about my teeth?  
  
{Ron} Oh! Look at the time!  
  
  
  
AN: Thank you for even getting to the AN. This has to be, by far, the most difficult thing I've ever written. If you listen to the words for the original, you'll know why.  
  
Anyway, thank you to everyone who reviewed The Hair Grease Song. I hope this one wasn't too much of a disappointment. Please R/R!  
  
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing… 


End file.
